Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
wanna go halves on a baby?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
