Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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