woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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