hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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