Can i not drive my cunt home
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
