I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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