I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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