I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
