Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
