I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
