who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
