chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
