I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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