WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
