Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
