someone threw a dead crab at me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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