Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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