true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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