plz talk dirty to me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
