just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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