i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
