I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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