grandma shit on top of the toilet
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
