Already got asked if we're dating
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
