I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
