just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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