If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
