my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
