Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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