His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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