wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
