4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
