i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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