Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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