I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
