I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
