Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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