Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
