and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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