last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
