And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
