my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
