Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We just shotgunned beers for America
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
