I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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