you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
