My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just pee around me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
