Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
