You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
