I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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