We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
